mathemagicalschema: A blonde-haired boy asleep on an asteroid next to a flower. (Default)

I said Yellow would be about social plans, but I lied. Instead it's about my relationship with holidays.

My dad's side of the family knows how to do Christmas right. My grandma used to mail out big tubs of Pfefferkuchen topped with chocolate and a few sprinkles a couple weeks before the day. Christmas Eve dinner is usually something simple but nice, maybe cheese fondue or roasted duck legs. There's presents to unwrap and actually classy Christmas music playing. They polish the actually-silver-silverware and have a great fancy dinner, ending in a big, boozy trifle.

I don't have any of that this year. It's important for me to remember that that was my choice: the reasons I'm not there are awful and unfair, but I could have gone. It's hard not to be wistful, all the same.

Instead, I'm doing dinner with a couple friends, and I am going all-out, within the allowances of my budget. I have made cookies and acquired a duck and they're bringing the sides and dessert. It still feels strange to be the one hosting. I am confronting the question of what my own traditions are going to be, much earlier than I thought I would need to.

extensive noodling )

mathemagicalschema: A teapot with a knitted tea cozy over it. The tea cozy says "arse" in a light blue script. (arse teapot)

The quarter finished! I am now on winter break. My intrepid and long-suffering readers may remember that I was just taking an English class this quarter. I, uh, actually haven't finished it.

Whooops.

I mean, I did the paperwork so that this is actually fine and I can turn in the two essays I need to write (and haven't even slightly started) after winter break, but uuuuuuggggghhhh. I feel terrible/worried about taking one class and not even being able to finish on time.

The kinds of essays the class wants from me are very hard for my brain to do. I can do creative writing just fine, even on a deadline to some extent, because I can virtually always turn an assignment into something I actually want to write, and I'm familiar with various tricks for generating material even when it's going to suck. Similarly, I think I could do more technical writing alright, because that's more like "convert this idea to words in the clearest way possible", it doesn't require creative input in remotely the same way. All this nonfiction analysis/persuasive whatever demands that I apply my creativity to stuff that I would never voluntarily write, and I've literally never had to or tried to write in an academic style before, and I am absurdly perfectionistic and work too hard at having ideas that are actually interesting.

One thing I'm specifically struggling with in regards to one of my essays is that it is way too open-ended for me to cope with. I am supposed to write a "researched persuasive essay" about... literally anything.

Gulp.

Next quarter, though! Next quarter I'm taking intro to theater and an anthropology class. I hope it will be an easy quarter, but it also puts me at 10 credits, so I can hopefully join student senate! And my schedule is M-W-F only, with nothing in the wee hours of the morning, so yay to that.

mathemagicalschema: A teapot with a knitted tea cozy over it. The tea cozy says "arse" in a light blue script. (arse teapot)
  • I returned from the Canadas. That was a while ago, whoops.
  • I am two decades old as of yesterday! Le Dad and I went canoeing in the Kankakee River and had sushi, and this morning I had the taaaastiest mushroom+asparagus crepe. No longer am I technically a teenager!1 I can feel less awkward about revealing my age!
  • I seem to be on track to move in the beginning of August. I finally got the right documents together to open a bank account, I'm in talks with a couple of people about rooms for August, and I haven't got too much packing to do.
  • Kinda stressed. Definitely under time pressure. Waiting for a bunch of stuff I can't control to come together.
  • I will now pack a box. Packing a box is a thing I can control.
  • I wish the weather was cool enough for me to want tea.

1 In base 10. Fuck, in dozenal I've got four more years to go.

mathemagicalschema: A blonde-haired boy asleep on an asteroid next to a flower. (Default)
  • I have successfully arrived on Vancouver Island! Flying was excellently uneventful. Cousin the Elder drove me to my grandparents' place; tomorrow I'm being switched over to my aunt and uncle's place, where my sister, Cousin the Elder, and Cousin the Younger will also be. Cousin the Middler, tragically, will not be here until after I've left.
  • The power came back on sometime during Wednesday night, and lo, there was water! and the dishes did sparkle, and would not be engulfed in mold. The false prophecy was revealed, and the people didst cleanse themselves in running water, and don their dry, fresh-smelling raiments.
  • Newly enwheelchaired grandpa saying "Vroom! vroom!"
  • I stumbled upon the PDF of Metaprogramming Ruby and started reading. I understand all the concepts just fine, but I still have no ability to actually write nontrivial working code, so I'm trying RubyMonk again in conjunction with some other reading. I have stuck this in HabitRPG, here's hoping I end up with usable skills this time.1
  • One particular brainweasel is rearing its head. I am actually not particularly good at teaching myself things. (you may be inclined to assert that this is untrue. I am very good at absorbing ambient facts and will seek them by the pound, but I am very rarely successful at developing skills and depth-knowledge on my own.) I often feel like struggling with self-teaching makes me a terrible person, or I must be unmotivated or I'd learn the thing I want to.2
  • I think people who are good at self-teaching have had more practice with being taught. I have had nothing taught to me in an organized way since I was 14. I don't know how to continually work on something that challenges me. My frustration tolerance is almost nonexistent. I have rarely been pushed in healthy ways - been pushed to do something I can do that stretches me. I've mostly been pushed off of cliffs - pushed to do things I know I can't do, without help, or else. The latter is not actually that great for developing one's capabilities. Highly successful method for developing panic disorder though!
  • I have stayed up entirely too late. Whoops. Now I sleep.

1. context I forgot: I've tried to learn various programming languages several times with a variety of approaches.
2. Most brainweasels of this ilk manifest as me having extended angry arguments in my head. It's not exactly a thing I believe, but a broken belief that I'm dignifying with way too much brainspace.

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