schema

To put it briefly, so as to get something written before midnight: this year sucked. I feel lonely and exhausted. I fought like hell to stay in school, but in the end I just couldn't. PTSD and recovery took over my life for a while. I haven't yet found work that I can do, and right now that's backburnered to focus on my health. It feels like every year, I lose at least as much as I gain.

But there have been gains. I might be less social and trusting, but I feel like I have a better sense of who can be trusted and how I can enforce my boundaries. Some of my brain is coming back for writing - in fits and starts; I'm not doing anything creative yet, but when I want to say something I can put the words together for it. In spite of all that's happened, I've been able to get to know some new people in ways that feel safe to me. I'm more in touch with my family - my dad visited recently, and that went well! My partner and I feel closer all the time, and we'll soon be celebrating two years together.

I feel stuck. I've spent so much of my life unemployed, not in school, living off money from my dad or the government, and nothing I've tried so far has been able to get me out of that. I'm not out of ideas yet, but I'm getting so close it scares me. If none of the health stuff I'm pursuing substantially changes what I'm able to do, I don't know what there is for me to try next.

I'm feeling kind of down right now - New Year's is normally significant to me, but I'm spending it alone and I couldn't get my brain together to do any of the rituals I normally would. So this post may be more of a reflection of how I'm feeling right now, than now my 2016 actually was.

Anyway, good riddance 2016. Hi 2017 - I assume you can't possibly be worse, but 2016 has kind of set you up to fail so I hope you can understand that I might be a little wary of you for a while. Anyway, welcome.

The quarter finished! I am now on winter break. My intrepid and long-suffering readers may remember that I was just taking an English class this quarter. I, uh, actually haven't finished it.

Whooops.

I mean, I did the paperwork so that this is actually fine and I can turn in the two essays I need to write (and haven't even slightly started) after winter break, but uuuuuuggggghhhh. I feel terrible/worried about taking one class and not even being able to finish on time.

The kinds of essays the class wants from me are very hard for my brain to do. I can do creative writing just fine, even on a deadline to some extent, because I can virtually always turn an assignment into something I actually want to write, and I'm familiar with various tricks for generating material even when it's going to suck. Similarly, I think I could do more technical writing alright, because that's more like "convert this idea to words in the clearest way possible", it doesn't require creative input in remotely the same way. All this nonfiction analysis/persuasive whatever demands that I apply my creativity to stuff that I would never voluntarily write, and I've literally never had to or tried to write in an academic style before, and I am absurdly perfectionistic and work too hard at having ideas that are actually interesting.

One thing I'm specifically struggling with in regards to one of my essays is that it is way too open-ended for me to cope with. I am supposed to write a "researched persuasive essay" about... literally anything.

Gulp.

Next quarter, though! Next quarter I'm taking intro to theater and an anthropology class. I hope it will be an easy quarter, but it also puts me at 10 credits, so I can hopefully join student senate! And my schedule is M-W-F only, with nothing in the wee hours of the morning, so yay to that.